Understanding category collapse and rebuilding trust in your own experience
You know the relationship is hurting you. Yet every time you imagine leaving, a frightening thought pulls you back: “What if I’m wrong? What if they meet someone else and become the loving partner I have been waiting for?”; “I just can’t handle the thought of another person being with them.”
In my clinical work, I see how painful this uncertainty can be. You may recognise the criticism, intimidation or manipulation, while still searching for an explanation that makes the relationship feel repairable. Perhaps they are traumatised. Perhaps they are misunderstood. Perhaps they just need to be loved more. Perhaps they are frightened of abandonment. Perhaps, if you can make them feel safe enough, the hurtful behaviour will stop.
Understanding someone’s history can matter. But an explanation becomes harmful when it repeatedly overrides the evidence of what is happening to you. Time and time again I see clients wanting to PROVE that someone WILL NEVER CHANGE before taking their safety, needs and wellbeing seriously. In fact, most clients like to try and justify why they will change in the future despite knowing deep in their gut that this reality is all but impossible. The conflict between mind and body is horrible. The mind knows the behaviour is not good and shows no signs of improving but the heart continues to yearn and long for their love.
What category collapse means here
“Category collapse” is a useful phrase for a particular reasoning error: treating different kinds of behaviour as though they ALL have the same cause and meaning. In this article, it describes interpreting repeated abusive behaviour only as evidence that someone is wounded, stressed, insecure or triggered.
For example, you might explain intimidation as their fear of losing you, sexual pressure as their need for reassurance, or punishment (after placing a boundary) as their sensitivity to rejection. Those explanations may feel compassionate but may not hold the whole picture. In my work I find my clients essentially are lovely people who want to see the good in others. The problem is what disappears from view: the repeated behaviour, its consequences and the other person’s responsibility for changing it..
Trauma and abusive behaviour ARE NOT mutually exclusive. A person can have genuine wounds and behave coercively and abusively. Equally, a trauma history does not establish that someone is abusive. I have worked with 100’s of beautiful people who have been subjected to all sorts of emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse, yet they continue to operate with kindness, warmth and empathy. The important question in relationships is how does the person treat you (in public and behind closed doors) and what do they do when their behaviour causes harm? Are they willing to be collaborative and work with you to heal/mend the situation?
How an explanation becomes a reason to stay
Consider this sequence: your partner humiliates you; you feel hurt and alarmed; they explain that they were triggered; you shift your attention towards their distress; your original concern remains unresolved. You may even learn that turning to their distress calms them. When affection returns, you feel relieved and begin to doubt whether the incident was really so serious. Afterall, they wanted to be close to you when you focused on their needs.
Over time, the question can change from “Am I being treated with respect?” to “How can I stop upsetting them?” You may become responsible for choosing the perfect words, anticipating every mood and making fewer requests. The relationship becomes organised around preventing their reactions ALL because an assumption has been made about the cause. In other words, their poor behaviour is understood as a result of being wounded, triggered, or stressed and you can manage this by monitoring your own behaviour.
The fear of being replaced adds another layer. If you believe the abuse results entirely from an unhealed wound, you may imagine that another person will finally heal it. Leaving then feels like abandoning a nearly completed project: someone else will receive the tenderness you worked so hard to earn.
That imagined future is not evidence. Just because intrusive imagery of them with another person feels real does not mean it is confirmation this has or will occur. A new relationship does not demonstrate accountability and change, and someone else’s apparent happiness cannot tell you what happens privately within the relationship or that the person has made a miraculous transformation.
So what are my clients missing? I love my job. But letting eager and hopeful clients know systematic, intentional abuse exists can be challenging and heartbreaking. It’s an experience I had to learn myself. I too was a victim of category collapse, believing all behaviour could be explained by some external factor or an internal wound. All people were inherently good, or so I believed for 46 years. The concept of wanting to harm, use or falsely claim love for another was simply beyond my comprehension until an event occurred. What I witnessed in my relationship with my mother could not be unseen.
For 46 years I had “whooshed” away (a term coined by betrayal blindness researcher Dr Jennifer Freyd) abusive behaviour as things my mother did because she was triggered and wounded from her own past abuse experiences. Instead, I chose to focus on happy times where we had laughed together. Looking back, I now know I was a victim of systemic abuse at the hands of someone who was callous and calculated. It blew my mind. Disregarding angry, cruel torts as my mother lashing out at me simply in frustration now became clear evidence of her exploitive internal operating system.
The moment SHE KNEW I KNEW who she actually was is etched in my memory. Her eyes darkened and fixed acutely on mine. Unbothered, a slow malevolent smirk smeared across her face. Her right lip upturned, she simply stared, attempting to intimidate. She didn’t stop staring after that moment in the months to follow. I now know she viewed me as an object and so long as the ‘jig was up’, there was no point on her behalf to foster any effort in me. For me, it was time to grieve and face a lifetime of betrayal (a topic for another blog). Rest assured, my life could not be more colourful, meaningful, joyous, fulfilling, enriched, significant and purposeful now. The other side of systemic abuse honestly feels like heaven.
Look for Patterns that repeat
It may help to notice recurring patterns in how you feel and how the other person responds. Perhaps you think, "I can't leave because they won't cope," and feel overwhelmed by guilt. When you set a boundary, they're offended. When you ask for your needs to be met, they cast it as aggression or unreasonableness. You may explain callous or manipulative behaviour as desperation for safety, overlooking that warmth might be used to secure compliance rather than offering spontaneous care. Notice too whether you're constantly exhausted because they must remain centre stage, with anger, blame, or withdrawal when they don't have the spotlight. For example, you may be facing surgery yet find yourself comforting them about their fear, or your good news is quickly topped by theirs. Focus on the repeated impact on you, rather than a single explanation for each incident.
Some people (approximately 1 in 20) have “operating systems” that are founded in callousness and a lack of integrity. They do not possess empathy and do not care about “doing the right thing”. They might pretend they do, but they don’t. They see people as an “opportunity” to gain rather than an equal other. They operate from a position of entitlement, exploitation, extortion, hostility and aggression. This is a fixed position. The world they view looks very different to ours. They’re out for what they can get. They may make you feel loved, cared for or adored at times, but if exploitation and abuse is repeated and systematic, you may need to adjust your life’s view regarding what causes poor behaviour. Simply collapsing all views of why people behave poorly into the category of being “wounded” is erroneous.
Recognising change
It would be too absolute to promise that an abusive person can never change. It is equally unsafe to assume that more patience or your continued sacrifice will bring about change. The practical issue is whether there is sustained evidence of different behaviour.
Look for responsibility without blaming you, respect for boundaries without retaliation, honesty about what happened and continued effort when there is no immediate reward for them. Essentially, you need to see collaborative behaviour. If the person is unable to cooperate with you in a relationship showing mutually respectful behaviour, willingness to listen and work through difficulties together, then you need to consider the “operating system” driving their behaviour. Well-intentioned people will collaborate and demonstrate flexibility consistently over an extended period of time. Attending therapy or making an emotional apology is not, by itself, evidence that abuse has stopped. A useful question is whether you have become freer and safer over time, including when you disagree.
How to catch yourself when the explanation takes over
Start by separating what happened from what you think caused it. “They were afraid of losing me” is an interpretation. “They shouted at me and blocked the doorway when I tried to leave the conversation” describes behaviour. The interpretation must not erase the event.
· What happened, in concrete terms, before I began explaining it away?
· Is this an isolated incident, or does the same pattern return after apologies?
· What happens when I say no, need care or disagree?
· Does repair lead to lasting change, or mainly restore my willingness to stay?
· What has adapting to this relationship cost me?
· If nothing changed, what support or protection would I need?
If it is safe, you might keep brief notes of incidents and discuss them with a trusted person or clinician. If your devices or belongings are monitored, seek advice about safe ways to access support before recording anything. You do not need to confront your partner or test a boundary to prove what is happening.
A grounded reminder may help: “I can care about their pain and still take my own experience seriously. I do not need certainty about their next relationship to recognise what this one is costing me.”
Support without pressure or blame
People remain in abusive relationships for many reasons, including attachment, children, financial constraints, housing, isolation and fear of retaliation. Difficulty leaving is not a failure of intelligence, strength or insight. Understanding your thoughts can help, but practical support and safety matter too.
If you fear retaliation, seek individual support and safety planning rather than announcing changes or confronting the person alone. In Australia, 1800RESPECT provides domestic, family and sexual violence support on 1800 737 732 and at 1800respect.org.au. Call 000 if there is immediate danger (1800RESPECT, n.d.).
In therapy, we can explore what keeps you uncertain, look carefully at the pattern and support you to rebuild trust in your own experience. You do not have to arrive with a label for your partner or a final decision about leaving. Like many of my clients, you too may be staying simply because you cannot bear the uncertainty of “What is they change?”. Visit www.therelationshippsychologist.com to learn more about support.
This article provides general education and does not replace individual psychological care or a personalised safety assessment.
References and further reading
Dokkedahl, S., Kirubakaran, R., Bech-Hansen, D., Kristensen, T. R., & Elklit, A. (2022). The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: A systematic review with meta-analyses. Systematic Reviews, 11, 163. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9364557/
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8193053/
Salerno, P. (n.d.). Traumatic cognitive dissonance. Author educational webpage. https://www.drpetersalerno.com/fitforoffduty
Salerno, P. (n.d.). Public educational videos discussing category collapse and interpersonal operating systems. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYlLHe7DyXJiOWO7kceUAHA/videos
1800RESPECT. (n.d.). Safety planning. https://1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning
