Why You Feel Confused in a Toxic Relationship (It’s Not You)
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, ‘Maybe it’s me…’ or ‘I don’t trust my own thoughts anymore’—this isn’t a coincidence. This is what happens when your reality is repeatedly distorted.
One of the most confusing and distressing experiences in toxic family or relationship dynamics is witnessing someone distort reality—while genuinely believing their version of events.
It can feel disorienting.
It can make you question yourself.
And over time, it can erode your trust in your own perception.
As a clinical psychologist with over 19 years of experience—and through my own lived experience—I have seen how deeply entrenched these distortions can become.
This is not simply “lying.”
It is something far more complex.
The Psychological Foundation
At the core of many narcissistic dynamics is a fragile but rigid sense of identity.
This identity is often built around beliefs such as:
“I am special”
“I am highly desired”
“I can have what I want”
These beliefs are not flexible.
They are foundational.
They are not just thoughts—they are the structure holding the person’s sense of self together.
When Reality Doesn’t Match the Identity
Problems arise when reality contradicts these beliefs.
For example, when:
someone is not chosen
attention is not reciprocated
admiration is not returned
This creates what we call cognitive dissonance—a state of intense psychological discomfort that occurs when two conflicting realities cannot coexist.
For most people, this discomfort leads to reflection:
“Maybe I misread that”
“Maybe this isn’t about me”
But in more rigid personality structures, this level of discomfort is not tolerable.
When the Mind Protects Itself
Instead of adjusting the belief…
the mind adjusts reality.
This is where things begin to shift.
Events may be reinterpreted to fit the original belief:
friendliness becomes attraction
neutrality becomes hidden meaning
absence becomes rejection that must be explained
Over time, these reinterpretations can expand into more elaborate narratives.
From the outside, this can look like delusion or psychosis.
But what’s important to understand is that the function of this process is protective.
The mind is attempting to preserve identity at all costs.
Why This Is So Confusing for Others
If you have been close to someone experiencing this, you may have found yourself:
trying to reason with something that doesn’t make sense
explaining facts that are dismissed or rewritten
being pulled into the narrative (often through blame or accusation)
questioning your own memory or perception
This is not just frustrating—it is destabilising.
Because when someone consistently reshapes reality, your internal sense of truth can begin to feel unreliable.
When You Become Part of the Narrative
In many cases, others are not just observers—they become part of the story.
This can include:
being accused of things that are not true
being positioned as untrustworthy or harmful
being triangulated into conflict
These dynamics are not random.
They serve to reinforce the distorted reality and protect the underlying belief system.
The Emotional Impact on You
Living within or around this kind of dynamic can leave you feeling:
confused
anxious
emotionally exhausted
hypervigilant
unsure of what is real
Over time, this can significantly impact your confidence, your relationships, and your ability to trust your own judgement.
The Key Insight
Not all distortion is conscious manipulation.
Sometimes, it is the mind’s attempt to defend against a reality that feels too threatening to accept.
However, regardless of the cause—
the impact on you is real.
And it matters.
Rebuilding Clarity and Self-Trust
If you have experienced this, one of the most important steps is rebuilding your connection to your own perception.
This includes:
recognising patterns of distortion
validating your own experience
understanding that confusion is often a signal—not a flaw
setting boundaries where possible
seeking support that helps you make sense of what you’ve experienced
Clarity does not come from trying to “fix” the other person.
It comes from reconnecting with yourself.
You Are Not Crazy
If you have ever felt like:
“Maybe it’s me”
“I don’t trust my own thoughts anymore”
“Something doesn’t feel right, but I can’t explain it”
You are not alone.
And you are not imagining things.
Support Is Available
I work with women who are navigating the confusion, pain, and aftermath of narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships.
Together, we focus on:
understanding these dynamics
rebuilding confidence and self-trust
breaking trauma bonds
creating a pathway forward
If this resonates with you:
Visit: www.therelationshippsychologists.com
You deserve to feel grounded, clear, and at peace in your own reality.
